Monday, July 20, 2015

Monday Morning Amusement

This old joke came to mind when I had to give our cat a couple of pills. Fortunately, I discovered "pill pockets," which made the process painless.
How to Give a Pill to a Cat
  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 litre of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.


ain't for city gals said...

lol...this reminds me of our dog years ago. She had to take a pill for 30 days...I put it in a piece of hot dog (or something..can't remember). I thought things went well until I discovered at the end of the month 22 pills behind the sofa! How she separated them is beyond me!

David said...

Cherie, yes, cats lead their own lives, don't they. We think we have domesticated them but it's only a myth. They still are going to do what they want and let us think we are in control. Some times I kind of think they keep us around as pets to amuse themselves. What do you think? Personally, I was never a cat person but we did have one. Now I only have wild life to contend with. Suits me just fine. :-)

Have a great cat pill giving day.

Cherie said...

Sheryl - how funny - especially that she put them in the same place each time. My dog tends to spit out some of her meds/herbs when I'm not looking.

Cherie said...

David, cats are definitely still a little wild. But I appreciate cats for who they are and dogs for who they are. I'm just a general animal lover. :)